The saying goes, “If you love someone, let them go...if they come back, they’re yours forever, but if they don’t come back, they were never yours at all.” Is this saying ACTUALLY true? A while back, Dr. Joe Beam saw a Facebook post where one man posted something similar. He said his wife “wants to be free” and because he loves his wife SO much, he will give her the divorce she wants- so she can go do whatever she wants to do. Many people supported this post with likes & comments. But here’s the thing... that’s NOT true love.
What could it be then? Well, it could be that he’s disguising the fact that he wanted out of the marriage, or wants to sound like the “hero.” Or maybe, he wanted the attention from his friends. While we can’t fully know his motivation, we do know that his post does NOT indicate real, true love.
What is true love? True love includes a COMMITMENT to the relationship. For example, in a loving relationship where you love the other person (and they love you back) will stand the test of time- staying committed through the ups and downs.
That is, when you’re in a “down” season of life, you can begin to want to make decisions based on what will make YOU happy (but come to find out later it was a bad decision).
Going back to our story about the Facebook post… if this man was committed to his wife, how could he actually say to her: “You can go. If you come back, you are mine forever, but if you don’t come back, you were never mine to begin with.” This is wrong.
In fact, his wife did say she loves him, so there must be something pulling her away… or something PUSHING her away. Either way, if he was committed, he would seek to find out what that is.
And, after finding out what the issue is, he needs to do whatever he can to pull her back into the relationship. For example, if she wants freedom because of something he’s doing- controlling her, not giving her affection, etc. it’s important for him to have an open and honest conversation to seek to repair these things.
He can also pull her back through authentic, positive interactions; becoming the best person can be. (Here’s the link to video on the PIES- practical ways to become the best you:
Last of all, it’s important to get the right help. Friends and family care so much for you, so it’s almost impossible for them to give unbiased advice if emotions are involved. If you seek counsel through therapy, make sure the counselor is focused on putting the relationship back together (because some counselors do not have this goal).
On a recent survey conducted by Dr. Joe Beam, 25% of respondents said the marriage counselor recommended separation or divorce. We caution you with this, we want you to find someone who can actually help SOLVE the problems...not end your relationship.
Research carefully, to ensure that the therapist/counselor is in favor of saving the relationship, and will help you do things to make the relationship come together.
You can also call us! Our nonprofit, Marriage Helper, works with these situations every day. We would love to help! We have Online Courses, Marriage Coaching, and a 3 Day Workshop.
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